Bellies and Babies Everywhere

Written March 30, 2011

Isn’t it funny how you don’t really notice things in the world around you until you decide to try and bring those things into your life?  For example, I remember in High School I wanted a Toyota 4-Runner to drive to college.  I hadn’t really noticed them before, but once I decided that was the car I wanted, I saw them EVERYWHERE!  We went skiing in Colorado and there were 4-Runners driving in front of us, behind us, and passing us.  It consumed my focus because I wanted one so badly and everyone else already had one!  Well of course “everyone” didn’t really have my car – it was just my own silly perception.

Well, I feel that way now with babies.  I realize that it’s Spring and so of course “its that time of year”, but there are pregnant women EVERYWHERE!  There talking about it on Facebook, expectant grandmothers are bragging about it, photos are being sent around in Emails, etc.  There in the grocery store, walking through the mall, laying out at the swimming pool, etc.  I am surrounded by babies and bellies!

Of course I am not really surrounded or overwhelmed by pregnant women, its just that I am at that point in my life and pregnancy and babies are catching my attention.

Once you’re married it doesn’t seem to take long for people to start asking “do you have kids yet”?  My favorite that I heard this week was “are there any little Kevin’s running around”?  For the past many months, I have just been smiling and sort of laughing the question off without giving a real answer.  Now I am at the point where I give the frustrated “we’re trying” response.

How did God decide which women would get pregnant without trying and which ones would wait it out with months of disappointment?  I really feel like it’s all medical and chemical and not so much “God’s will”.  Kevin and I were actually talking about that this week.  I don’t feel as though God would decide in his master plan of creating me, ”hmm… I think I am going to drive Jenae insane before I let her become a mother”.   God does some tricky things, but I think a lot of this is out of his hands.  Don’t get me wrong, I know He has a plan for the K&J Jordan family, but He isn’t cruel.

I know I still have it pretty easy.  We haven’t (so far) had to spend our life savings at the doctor’s, I haven’t had any miscarriages, and I haven’t been trying for years and years with slim progress.  I am really trying to stay positive because I know there are so many women whom are having a much harder time with this than me.  On the positivity scale, I really was doing good until the 6 month came and went.

After the 6th month, anxiety really set in, questions started to flood in, and frustration took over.  I know I still have an easy and fortunate life.  I know there are many women out there (some with kids and some without) whom would love to trade spots with me in a heartbeat.  Why am I having such a hard time moving past it and just staying positive and happy?

Kevin just reminds me that if we turn to adoption it’s only because God has the perfect child planned for us!  I think God just likes Kevin more and knows he really wants to adopt.

It will happen, I know it will (or at least I keep telling myself that).  I have seen many frustrated women turn into wonderful mothers – whether they give birth or adopt!  I just need to learn to keep my cool when I hear that the next un-trying mother is now expecting.  Good luck to all of the frustrated women trying to conceive – I understand your pain and disappointment!

With that being said, please keep us in your prayers as we try to navigate our way through this very frustrating journey.