Written March 30, 2011
Isn’t it funny how you don’t really notice things in the world around you until you decide to try and bring those things into your life? For example, I remember in High School I wanted a Toyota 4-Runner to drive to college. I hadn’t really noticed them before, but once I decided that was the car I wanted, I saw them EVERYWHERE! We went skiing in Colorado and there were 4-Runners driving in front of us, behind us, and passing us. It consumed my focus because I wanted one so badly and everyone else already had one! Well of course “everyone” didn’t really have my car – it was just my own silly perception.
Well, I feel that way now with babies. I realize that it’s Spring and so of course “its that time of year”, but there are pregnant women EVERYWHERE! There talking about it on Facebook, expectant grandmothers are bragging about it, photos are being sent around in Emails, etc. There in the grocery store, walking through the mall, laying out at the swimming pool, etc. I am surrounded by babies and bellies!
Of course I am not really surrounded or overwhelmed by pregnant women, its just that I am at that point in my life and pregnancy and babies are catching my attention.
Once you’re married it doesn’t seem to take long for people to start asking “do you have kids yet”? My favorite that I heard this week was “are there any little Kevin’s running around”? For the past many months, I have just been smiling and sort of laughing the question off without giving a real answer. Now I am at the point where I give the frustrated “we’re trying” response.
How did God decide which women would get pregnant without trying and which ones would wait it out with months of disappointment? I really feel like it’s all medical and chemical and not so much “God’s will”. Kevin and I were actually talking about that this week. I don’t feel as though God would decide in his master plan of creating me, ”hmm… I think I am going to drive Jenae insane before I let her become a mother”. God does some tricky things, but I think a lot of this is out of his hands. Don’t get me wrong, I know He has a plan for the K&J Jordan family, but He isn’t cruel.
I know I still have it pretty easy. We haven’t (so far) had to spend our life savings at the doctor’s, I haven’t had any miscarriages, and I haven’t been trying for years and years with slim progress. I am really trying to stay positive because I know there are so many women whom are having a much harder time with this than me. On the positivity scale, I really was doing good until the 6 month came and went.
After the 6th month, anxiety really set in, questions started to flood in, and frustration took over. I know I still have an easy and fortunate life. I know there are many women out there (some with kids and some without) whom would love to trade spots with me in a heartbeat. Why am I having such a hard time moving past it and just staying positive and happy?
Kevin just reminds me that if we turn to adoption it’s only because God has the perfect child planned for us! I think God just likes Kevin more and knows he really wants to adopt.
It will happen, I know it will (or at least I keep telling myself that). I have seen many frustrated women turn into wonderful mothers – whether they give birth or adopt! I just need to learn to keep my cool when I hear that the next un-trying mother is now expecting. Good luck to all of the frustrated women trying to conceive – I understand your pain and disappointment!
With that being said, please keep us in your prayers as we try to navigate our way through this very frustrating journey.
Tuesday, August 02, 2011
Catching Up With The Past
Written March 29, 2011
Today I had lunch with an old friend from High School. I hadn’t realized how much time had passed since we graduated until we started talking about all that had happened over the past 8 years since we had seen each other. It’s crazy, I had never really thought about it, but 8 years is a long time. My niece is 8 years old - old school friends of mine have children her age – it kind of blows my mind to think about!
It’s been a really long time since I actually spent time talking with an old friend. You want them to be the exact same person that you had slumber parties with and took dance class with! You don’t expect them to talk about hard times and misfortunes. The same goes for friends’ younger siblings. It’s crazy to see them graduate, go to college, and get married. I want them to stay the same little ten-year-old that we used to play tricks on and hide from. I hadn’t thought much about younger siblings until I started to tell old friends that my sister is turning 21 in the near future – the look on their face and the shock in their voice really got me thinking about how much time really has flown by.
When does it come to the point where old friends start to change and look different – almost to the point where you have to stop and ask yourself “is that really them”? I feel like I, along with most everyone I run into, still look the same as we did 10 years ago. Some old friends have kids. Many are pregnant. There are a few divorces. But truthfully, I don’t think I have run into anyone that has really shocked me in whom they have grown into.
A lot of us have grown into more womanly figures, and some of the boys have grown a little around the waist. But when does it get to the point where you pass an old friend in the store and hardly recognize them (good or bad)? Maybe others are experiencing this, and I am still just blinded by the image of the person that I use to walk down the school hall with.
I think about my mom and how when she runs into an old classmate she tells me “I went to school with them”. Before now, I had always wondered “how in the world does she recognize them after so many years”? I guess our bodies and our stories may change, but I think most of us are still the child that our parents raised… And I hardly ever forget a face – no matter how many years have been added to it.
The past is funny to me. I feel like the perception of time has really changed since I got out into the “real world”. When you are younger, it seems to take FOREVER for Christmas, Spring Break, and Summer to arrive! Now those times come and go without me ever really thinking about them. I still look forward to holidays and different celebrations, but it all still feels different. I think I am enjoying life as a whole so much more, and I am not so focused on the bits and pieces!
I am not in a huge hurry for things to happen… well some things I am, but it’s not all as traumatic as it was at a younger age. It’s nice growing up! I have really enjoyed looking back and laughing at myself. I feel like, at 26, I am finally getting to stop and smell the roses
Hurray for growing up and becoming the person God meant for me to be!!!
Today I had lunch with an old friend from High School. I hadn’t realized how much time had passed since we graduated until we started talking about all that had happened over the past 8 years since we had seen each other. It’s crazy, I had never really thought about it, but 8 years is a long time. My niece is 8 years old - old school friends of mine have children her age – it kind of blows my mind to think about!
It’s been a really long time since I actually spent time talking with an old friend. You want them to be the exact same person that you had slumber parties with and took dance class with! You don’t expect them to talk about hard times and misfortunes. The same goes for friends’ younger siblings. It’s crazy to see them graduate, go to college, and get married. I want them to stay the same little ten-year-old that we used to play tricks on and hide from. I hadn’t thought much about younger siblings until I started to tell old friends that my sister is turning 21 in the near future – the look on their face and the shock in their voice really got me thinking about how much time really has flown by.
When does it come to the point where old friends start to change and look different – almost to the point where you have to stop and ask yourself “is that really them”? I feel like I, along with most everyone I run into, still look the same as we did 10 years ago. Some old friends have kids. Many are pregnant. There are a few divorces. But truthfully, I don’t think I have run into anyone that has really shocked me in whom they have grown into.
A lot of us have grown into more womanly figures, and some of the boys have grown a little around the waist. But when does it get to the point where you pass an old friend in the store and hardly recognize them (good or bad)? Maybe others are experiencing this, and I am still just blinded by the image of the person that I use to walk down the school hall with.
I think about my mom and how when she runs into an old classmate she tells me “I went to school with them”. Before now, I had always wondered “how in the world does she recognize them after so many years”? I guess our bodies and our stories may change, but I think most of us are still the child that our parents raised… And I hardly ever forget a face – no matter how many years have been added to it.
The past is funny to me. I feel like the perception of time has really changed since I got out into the “real world”. When you are younger, it seems to take FOREVER for Christmas, Spring Break, and Summer to arrive! Now those times come and go without me ever really thinking about them. I still look forward to holidays and different celebrations, but it all still feels different. I think I am enjoying life as a whole so much more, and I am not so focused on the bits and pieces!
I am not in a huge hurry for things to happen… well some things I am, but it’s not all as traumatic as it was at a younger age. It’s nice growing up! I have really enjoyed looking back and laughing at myself. I feel like, at 26, I am finally getting to stop and smell the roses
Hurray for growing up and becoming the person God meant for me to be!!!
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